I think I stopped sharing my writing (and, really, stopped writing mostly) because I just didn't feel like I had anything to say. Other people were saying the things I thought and saying it better, reaching more people, than I could.
Something I forgot, though, is that sometimes (often in fact) when I sit down to write, something comes out that I wasn't even expecting. It's like a dialogue with parts of myself that are not at the forefront of my mind. That's how my Master's thesis came together in the end, just seeing what came out.
And anyway, no one reads blogs anymore, right? So really, this is probably just for me.
And the thing is, I do always have thoughts and feelings ready to burst out of me, ones that are conscious, but I don't want to share them with others Especially the last few years. These thoughts and feelings are a bummer, and I feel like the world is enough of a bummer without me adding to it.
People have told me that they like that I keep it real, they appreciate it about me, but truthfully I don't believe them. I figure they say that because they are trying to be nice.
I guess it's possible they are being honest, that maybe other people are also feeling down and it helps to know they're not alone, but it's a tricky thing to me because while I never want to paper over real pain or things that need to be said (I know the power in sharing those things) I also know how focusing on everything that's wrong makes it so easy to miss things that are good, and in my life not feeling good is like this hungry ghost that haunts me and it is so greedy, always wanting more. It's easy to sink into that feeling of despair, to just keep feeding it, and I worry sometimes that if I let myself go I'll never come back.
You know, I've spent my entire adult life looking for a place to belong, a way to spend my time (and bring in money) that felt more good than bad? I've shown up at every job I've ever had like "here I am! put me to use! I have so much to give!" and the amount of rejection I've experienced, when I really count it up, is astounding. There have been a scant few exceptions, but unfortunately none have paid our bills in the long term, especially not with the way stuff like rent has gone up and up at the same time (you know we used to be able to rent a place for less than $1,000? wild). That much instability and rejection is hard for anyone, in fact I've been seeing stuff lately talking about how traumatic it is to lose your job and I almost laugh at the amount of trauma that means I've gone through...but when you are neurodivergent (ADHD) and thus don't quite understand what you're doing "wrong" AND you have rejection sensitivity the pain is SO intense.
The last few years has been no exception, with 4 layoffs over two years (jesus). But lately I find myself longing for 2020 because at least with that layoff they did it ethically, with a decent severance, and we had the boosted unemployment amounts so I could actually pay my bills with it. I got a career coach, I spent time really thinking about what I wanted out of a career and where to focus myself, I took a class in that! It was a really productive time in a lot of ways and got me on a track that I still think is a good one for me, even if it's not in step with what I'm finding in the job market right now. I need another break like that, but our dwindling savings says that's not possible and I just need to keep pushing to find something, anything.
What a terrible system.
But I'm stuck. Or at least I feel stuck. Even people I've known who have tried working around this system still seem stuck in it to me.
And there's the hungry ghost of hopelessness.
