writing furiously

i've been thinking a lot lately about who i was and what i was doing a decade ago, a decade and a half.  i was writing writing writing writing.  writing furiously.  writing on my blog.  writing comments on other people's blogs.  writing on message boards.  writing to my friends. 

in person interaction was a lot more limited and frankly that's the way i wanted it.  there's no block button irl.  there's no time to erase, edit, rewrite.  it's not safe.

of course, I learned that the internet isn't safe either.  "sticks and stones" is bullshit WORDS FUCKING HURT whether they're yelled at you in person or typed.  online you can be swarmed, you can be doxxed.  you can be thrown out of virtual community with little effort (this is where that accessible block button shows it's shadow side).

but i took comfort in the distance created by the screen.  frankly, I still do.  if there's a difficult thing to be said, something full of emotions, i'd still rather write it/type it out before i have to deliver it.  because i know words hurt.  I know words are limited, meanings multiple, interpretation real and imagined; and being misunderstood is incredibly painful for me.  and because when i'm in the middle of emotions, I have a very hard time feeling and articulating what I'm feeling at the same time. 

i don't write like that anymore really.  i journal for myself, often lately.  i share the words of others on ig and fb.  i listen and read more.  i'm working on being present with my feelings and not trying to rush through them to articulation.  i'm trying to be more curious.  i talk things through with people i trust and love.  sometimes i wonder what is better, and then I think "not better or worse, just different".  i reflect more now.  i'm learning how to have joy in my life (i hope).  i'm finding that's easier in person.

it also seems like the blogosphere is not what it was.  do people read blogs anymore?  if you are reading this, hi.  :)  but also there's a freedom in anonymity.  it's nice to write this way again after so long.  and maybe some of what i've been working on will be good to share.  maybe it would be nice to be able to trace my evolution here...  if i do, it will be very different than it used to be.

anyway, in the style of my old blogs I will share what I'm reading right now -- adrienne marie brown's "Pleasure Activism" on advice from my sister/friend/life coach/spiritual advisor, Natasha.  It's been interesting, and i'd recommend it.  especially if you, like me, have been trying to find ways to bring more joy into your life, but not divorce it from the very-serious-politics that matter to you.

also, I saw a couple of drafts I left here from 4 years ago and was stunned how much they resonate with my current inner work, i'll probably edit and roll those out also. 

with love and solidarity in joy and chaos,
whatsername

In Memory of Stacey

In loving memory of a real one who I know I quoted multiple times on this blog over the years.  Stacey Park Milbern left us on her 33rd birthday, and none of us were ready.  But she left us a huge legacy.

The #StaceyTaughtUs Syllabus

[caption: a picture of Stacey in her chair, smiling and holding a sign that reads "cherished"]

As Soon As You Put Me Down I Run Away

When my friend Natasha did Reiki on me a few weeks ago she noted that in my solar plexus chakra there was an intense and deep seated well of shame.  Juxtaposing this, as she worked on this area she got a very clear image of her child running away joyfully with his father chasing him.

Before she was even halfway through describing this image of her child I was welling up with tears.

That child was me.

As soon as I could walk - I was running.  Ironically I detest running now, but as a toddler and child you couldn't stop me.  It was such a common thing that it became a trope of telling childhood stories about me.  In fact while Natasha was recounting this I thought of one image in particular, one that hasn't left me since.

There's a home movie I've seen a few times of my Dad and I in Tahoe, probably in the summer as I don't remember there being snow.  I think he and my Mom are laughing as they film me.  Or maybe they were just laughing when they showed it to me.  Either way, my Dad is holding me and then he puts me down -- and I promptly take off running in the opposite direction of both of them. I'm small, so he is able to keep up with me fairly easily, but it really was remarkable to watch.  If they'd taken their eyes off of me for a second I'd have gone quite a ways before they could have caught me.  But they're clearly used to this.

I was a fearless child.  I gave exactly zero fucks and you couldn't tell me anything.

I don't really remember now what that felt like.

See, remember the other thing that Natasha got from my chakra energy?  Shame. Intense shame.

That child?  Didn't make it past elementary school.

I guess maybe that's normal.  We do a lot of growing in those years.  But by the time I hit junior high school you wouldn't have recognized me in that child.  Hell, you wouldn't have recognized me as that child by the time 4th grade came to an end.

Part of me is glad of this.  That child was starting to grow into someone that was arrogant and self-righteous.  I can still be rather self-righteous, so gods only know what would have happened if I was left unchecked to develop.  Actually, I think I do kind of know -- I probably would have turned out a lot like Jennifer Lawrence.  I have a lot of empathy (and endless critique) for J Law because gods do I see her.  Do I know her.  Us Leos are SO MUCH if we never learn how to be humble.

Another part of me is kinda pissed that things turned out as they did.  Because through bullies and a constantly anxious mother and poor boundaries I turned into someone who takes everything deeply personally, who was shamed repeatedly for who I was, who felt fear of the world around me and closed myself off to so many experiences because of it.  My teenage and adult life have been spent trying to get 1/8th of that fearless confidence back.  And it's only now, in my early 30s, that maybe I'm just starting to get there.

And yeah maybe that kid would have turned into an asshole if left unchecked.  But they weren't one yet.  They were just a little tomboy femme wanting to experience the world, trusting that their parents had their back, that if they fell down they could get back up, that if they bumped their head they'd be ok after a good cry.  She just wanted to express herself fully, to sing, dance, express -- to enjoy life.  And when I think about her I want to cry, for so many reasons but perhaps foremost because I know they were me, but they feel like a stranger.

Can I re-integrate that energy and harness it for good?  Can I experience that fearlessness and joy again?  Can I come to a humility that isn't based in shame and second-guessing my self-knowledge but in compassionate, non-judgmental and honest assessment of my actions?  I hope so.  That's what I'm working on now.

Important Shit I Have Been Reading: Some Reflections on Creating Fragrance-Free Space

Also file under: "stuff I haven't talked about that much but should."

Read it all, the author talks about not just the challenges of this issue of accessibility and large gatherings (excerpted here) but also methods of implementation and the point of the whole thing.  If you don't know much about fragrance accessibility, this is a great post for learning a whole lot in a short amount of time.  It's something I've been working on for the past few years, negotiating and figuring out what things are most important to get fragrance free, and where/when fragrance can still be in my life.  It's a process, and it takes time, but I do think it's pretty important.

via Tape Flags and First Thoughts

The first challenge is that many people don't know that they are making a choice about fragrance. It is so ubiquitous in the products we use that it comes to seem a natural part of our environment; the proverbial water the fish are swimming in. Why would people who don't have sensitivities think about this on their own? You'd be astonished if they did. So it's necessary to, first, let people know that there's a problem.

This leads directly to the second challenge: a lot of people--perhaps most people hearing about this for the first time, if my experience is any indication--don't believe there's a problem even once they're told about it. I don't, in general, blame people for this. If they've never known anyone who was affected, they probably have no idea how bad it can be. I have sometimes been tempted to tap someone on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me, I need to leave now, but I wanted to let you know before I go that your decision to wear perfume to this event not only excludes me from it but means that I will probably be sick until next Thursday." But hardly anyone has ever received that shoulder tap, from me or anyone else. So they've never enountered a sufferer in the wild.

Even if they believe there's a problem, and that for some people it can be quite bad, they're inclined to assume that these folks are very rare. The first time I brought up the issue of fragrance at the summer gathering, many years ago, the person I spoke to assumed that I was the only one affected, and that the problem of one person was not sufficient to merit asking 1500 people to change their behavior. In other words, the problem might be real, but it's the job of the sufferers to manage it.

One friend told me that she met a woman at the gathering two years ago who was ranting about the FF policy. She thought it was just another pointless PC thing. My friend told her about me, about how hard gatherings had always been for me, and how much my experience had improved since the FF policy had started to get some traction. The woman was surprised and moved. She'd had no idea this actually mattered to anybody.

I also suspect that many of us progressive types suffer from issue fatigue. We've gotten on board with "Column A: The Essential Social Issues." However imperfectly, we've embraced racial justice; gender equality; the gay and lesbian rights movement; physical accessibility for people who use wheelchairs, scooters, canes, and walkers. In addition, each of us has probably also chosen to prioritize some or all of the "optional" social issues in Column B as well: factory farming, a struggling educational system, the dismantling of voter rights, conditions for workers in overseas factories, animal rights, over-reliance on petroleum fuels, global warming, the environment, the existence of bisexuals, the bottled water industry, invasive species, and whatever else I can't think of off the top of my head.

It can be very frustrating when you try to introduce the fragrance issue to the very people you think will be most open to it, and instead they resist. But I do think that resistance often comes from folks feeling like they have enough on their plate and they don't have the energy to take on one more thing.

I also wonder if some of the resistance might come from a desire not to seem even more like whacked-out troublemakers than we already do. I can imagine--and this is entirely my imagination, not anything I have any knowledge of--but I can imagine the person whose job it is to talk to universities or retreat centers about our needs ranting, "I already have to tell their cafeteria staff that they have to learn to cook vegan food, turn off the ice cream machines at Wednesday's lunch, and get us re-usable cups instead of the paper ones they usually have at the beverage station. And I need to tell the facilities people that we need some of the bathrooms re-designated from Male and Female to Gender-Neutral. Now I'm supposed to tell them, what? That we want them to switch out all the bathroom soap for fragrance-free, and that they can't use their usual cleaning products in the bedrooms? Well, I sure look forward to that conversation!"

Even once people decide they'd like to make some personal changes to help with this problem, there are challenges. They might not know where to find FF products for instance--though this has gotten much easier in recent years. I used to be able to use only Clinique makeup, for instance--$15 for a lipstick!--but a few years ago, when I needed to buy makeup for the first time in years for a choir concert, I was able to get cheap FF lipstick, blush, foundation, eyeshadow, and mascara at my corner Rite Aid.

But people who haven't looked before may not know that somewhere in that wall of shaving cream is one brand whose "extra sensitive" product is fragrance-free, or that Common Brand Of Lotion makes a FF moisturizer you just have to read the fine print to find. It can be disorienting and overwhelming.

People might also be concerned that FF products won't work as well as what they're used to. And that might indeed happen. Sometimes that's a trade-off people should just resign themselves to making (are your perfect hair and blinding-white gym socks really that important?), and sometimes it's a trade-off they can't make. I had some things to say about this previously in a post called The Hierarchy of Harm.

Important Shit I Have Been Reading: Pollution, Poverty, People of Color: The factory on the hill

via Environmental Health News:

"While most coastal cities breathe ocean breezes mixed with traffic exhaust, people in north and central Richmond are exposed to a greater array of contaminants, many of them at higher concentrations. Included are benzene, mercury and other hazardous air pollutants that have been linked to cancer, reproductive problems and neurological effects. People can’t escape the fumes indoors, either. One study showed that some of the industrial pollutants are inside Richmond homes. 

It's the triple whammy of race, poverty and environment converging nationwide to create communities near pollution sources where nobody else wants to live. Black leaders from the Civil Rights Movement called the phenomenon environmental racism, and beginning in the early 1980s, they documented the pattern at North Carolina's Warren County PCBs landfill, Louisiana's "Cancer Alley," Tennessee's Dickson County, Chicago's South Side, Houston's Sunnyside garbage dump and other places across the country. 

About 56 percent of the nine million Americans who live in neighborhoods within three kilometers of large commercial hazardous waste facilities are people of color, according to a landmark, 2007 environmental justice report by the United Church of Christ. In California, it’s 81 percent. Poverty rates in these neighborhoods are 1.5 times higher than elsewhere. 

Those numbers, however, reflect a miniscule portion of the threats faced by nonwhite and low-income families. Thousands of additional towns are near other major sources of pollution, including refineries, chemical plants, freeways and ports. 

Richmond is one of these beleaguered towns, on the forefront of the nation's environmental justice struggle, waging a fight that began a century ago."

As you've probably heard, the Chevron refinery in Richmond had a fire a couple of days ago.  This fire left huge toxic clouds which are now going to make their way around the bay area (in fact, currently, in my direction).  Environmental racism is a deathly real thing, and I think it's very important that we understand that it's part of a long pattern of behavior.  This is not simply "an accident," it is part of a historical trajectory that says low income people, people of color, and Native people (in particular) are fair game to be slowly poisoned and their lives risked for the profit of an upper crust of normative White people.  This article does some of that work, and so I share it with you.

DIY: Treating Eczema Without a Doctor

As my husband and I are in the boat of: just barely paying our bills and still eating, and cannot afford health insurance, I have had to get creative over the years in treating health concerns that have come up.  I have become pretty excellent at internet research, keeping up a stock of herbal treatments, etc.  Sometimes, it was all for naught and we had to dig into our savings (when we had them), dig into our available credit lines, or borrow money from family to go to a doctor (or dentist) and get the treatment we needed.  We are both fortunate that such occurrences are rare as we are generally in good health and able-bodied.  That said, there have been a couple things that have really challenged me: UTIs and eczema.  In the case of UTIs I have more often than not treated them successfully at home and when that proved impossible their treatment is covered as "reproductive care" for people assigned female at birth under California's Family PACT and so I have been able to go to the doctor and get medication (I'm not talking about that here because it is a riskier thing to treat at home and my results have been spottier).

This latest bout of eczema, however, is not covered under such care, last I checked we made too much for Medi-Cal, and as it occurred around my eyes, specialist treatment was indicated.  Even accessing local resources such as UCB or UCSF would have taken a chunk of money we simply don't have.

Fortunately I was able to treat it at home by combining just about every frequent piece of treating at-home advice I found online.  Given how fucking awful eczema is, I thought I might share what finally worked for me here in the hopes that others might be able to treat theirs more quickly and with less hassle.  That said, I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  Your biochemistry might react differently to this regimen and you should always be tuned into just how severe your outbreak is and what you need to do for your own health and sanity.  It should also be noted that I had to treat this flare for about a month, with two periods of rapid improvement and a whole lot of stagnation in between them.  Caring for things like this at home is not necessarily easier, or better for you, it just is what it is and sometimes it's all we have.

OK, so here's what finally did it:

coconut oil (I used organic, virgin, unrefined coconut oil) (used liberally)
an herbal salve specially made for eczema and other similar skin conditions (used liberally)
another herbal salve, kind of used as an "all purpose" ointment in my house (used liberally)
hydrocortisone 1% (used 1x a day, sparingly) (steroids aren't great for long term use in general, and I would say you should ONLY use it when you're dealing with a temporary flare and not a chronic issue, you also have to be extremely careful with it around your eyes as steroids can cause major damage to your eye)
anti-histamine medication (taken as directed, I just got a generic type from Costco)
pro-biotics (taken as directed, I opted for dissolving wafers)
evening primrose oil (capsules) (taken as directed, you can find these wherever they sell nutritional/herbal supplements)

Rinsing the effected area with cool water and then applying the salves helped immensely, usually did this several times a day.  Cool compresses were a lifesaver when the outbreak started, I was about to rip my eyeballs out of their sockets until I started doing this; it was EXTREMELY effective in relieving the itching.  Unfortunately as soon as I took the compress off the itching was back, so I spent two days with a cool compress over my eyes (applying the salves several times a day as well).    After this rabid itching died down there was less of an itching but a major desire to scratch or rub the area anyway (and if you've ever had the kind I do, it feels so good and rewarding to scratch that you want to do it very, very badly), raised and thickened skin accompanied by very noticeable redness and swelling of the surrounding skin tissue.  It was in this state that I spent most of my time the past month.

Frustrated by this plateau in recovery, and a subsequent flare in itching and the spreading of the thickened/raised skin to my cheeks, I did more online research and this is when I added the evening primrose oil and coconut oil to the regimen - improvement from there was so marked that I have to recommend these two components very highly.  It could have been a coincidence, but I doubt it, adding them was a last-ditch effort to throw everything at the problem before a doctor.  It also might be one or the other of these, and I would say if you already have coconut oil in the house, try that before going out and purchasing evening primrose (or vice versa).  But after two days my skin is looking virtually normal again (though I can still feel the thick bumpiness, which is receding more slowly, and occasional itching) and I can tell that I'm on the way to long term recovery.

Until this major flare I was able to keep minor occurrences under control just with the two salves (particularly the one specifically for eczema) applied a couple times a day.  I will now be adding coconut oil to the combination.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful for someone else, this shit is AWFUL to deal with and finding a combination that works sure felt like a life-saver to me.  Prevention is of course good too, keeping your skin moisturized (moisturizing asap after washing skin is best), not taking boiling hot showers, and not scratching your skin excessively are all things to keep in mind.  In my experience scratching skin is the worst thing you can do; not the odd scratch here and there, but repeated scratching almost always produces a mini (or in this case major) flare for me.  I know too that there have been good results with oatmeal baths once a week if your eczema is the chronic and not flaring type.

Wishing you all the best of luck...

Update: A couple weeks later and everything is under control again.  I ran out of evening primrose oil capsules a few days ago and decided to see whether they were worth investing in again... OH YES.  My symptoms started coming back within a day, mildly, but there.  Bought some and started taking them, next day the symptoms were almost gone again.  You never know how herbal medicines will effect your body, but for me apparently, this is a HUGE help; so I would definitely recommend trying it.

Further update: A month from the original post and things continue to be basically under control, with minor flare ups dealt with easily and effectively with topical treatments and continued evening primrose oil use.  I discontinued using antihistamines about a week ago because after prolonged use they were making me really, really drowsy, all the time.  One further thing I have learned about using evening primrose oil is that it's been pretty important to take the pills regularly, 1000mg, three times a day.  When I have taken it sporadically I have gotten flare ups, but when I take it regularly, so that there is some in my system all day long (trying to space dosages fairly evenly, kinda like a birth control pill but more daily doses), I stay flare-free.

Further update: 6 weeks from the original post and my skin is back to normal.  I'm still taking evening primrose oil twice a day and applying the eczema salve on my eyelids at bed time, but that's it!  I did have a possibly related ailment pop up at the corners of my mouth - little cuts, mostly on one side, accompanied at first by skin irritation around them.  This was INCREDIBLY annoying, made it difficult to talk or eat as opening my mouth was painful (I had something similar happen at the corners of my eyes when my eczema outbreak was at it's worst) but I solved this with lots of my most basic lip balm constantly, my goes-on-everything salve and Neosporin twice a day.  I tried a few other things, but they didn't help much.  A couple days of this regime and the little cuts cleared up and haven't come back.

Further update: Four months later and I had another attack.  After discussing with the hubs we wondered if it might not be a mild pet allergy that has developed over the years or is being aggravated by something else, since it seemed to reoccur after our boycat had been laying against my face post-cat-bath.  On this suspicion I went out and got a small box of Claritin, since that is what an old roommate used to take effectively for her pet allergies.  I saw an immediate positive result, by the end of the day the itching had reduced significantly.  After four days the itching and redness and swelling of skin were all gone.  After two days NOT taking it, they came back.  And now that I've been on it again for two days, it's almost gone again.  I think we may have a winner!  And yes, on return I got generic and it's working fine.

More updating:  Three weeks into this treatment, it's confirmed, this type of antihistamine definitely works.  It works best in conjunction with Evening Primrose Oil.  Any time I stop taking either one for any length of time the symptoms start coming back.  I'm going to keep trying to stop taking the OTC antihistamine though, and only take it when I see symptoms start, as I don't want to be taking it just all the time, preferably.  But thank GOODNESS I finally figured this shit out and have a working attack plan!

Yet another update: almost a year later now and the main thing I have found is that these flares seem to be most related to suppressed stress.  The more I work on that, the fewer and milder they are.  So take note y'all.  If you are ignoring things that are stressing you out, you might want to look to that before anything else.

Support for the Community Garden Effort in Dover Street Park, North Oakland

From Phat Beets Produce: Media Advisory

Over the last year, with permission from the city, the neglected and unused perimeter of this public park has been transformed by the Dover St. Neighborhood Group and Phat Beets Produce. Replacing overgrown weeds are a 4000 square foot vegetable and herb garden and a recently planted 25 tree fruit orchard. Also added over the past year is a large food justice themed community mural created by the Community Rejuvenation Project. The project receives no money from the City of Oakland. All of this activity has contributed to far greater use of the park by the neighborhood and a heightened sense of community.

Now, a year later, Oakland Parks and Recreation have recommended the removal of 1/3 of the fruit trees and to limit future edible landscaping on most of the park perimeter. Concerned neighbors are invited to speak up for food justice and to demand much needed policy change regarding local, sustainable food production in Oakland Public Parks.

Please consider signing this petition (and if you are local, coming to the meeting).
Petition: Support for the Community Garden Effort in Dover Street Park
Meeting: Wednesday, June 8th, 4:30pm
Lakeside Park Garden Center, 666 Bellevue Avenue – next to Lake Merritt

"Sex" is not an "adult" activity

So here's something that, in discussions online, I have seen come up again and again that really annoys me: the idea that "sex" is "for adults."

In fact, the idea that sex is ONLY for adults is something that is really pervasive in U.S. culture. We often use "adult" as a stand-in for "sexual," and in most states the "age of consent" is 18, which is our arbitrary decision of when people become "adults."

Before that threshold, apparently, we can't legally be trusted to make important decisions for our lives; our parents, in fact, know better than us what we need. (That idea is worthy of a whole other post but if you're interested there's good writing on it going on here, here [of this fame] and here, just to name a few.)

And so we take for granted this idea that "sex" is something that adults, and only adults, do. Or at least, we take that as the *BEST* way. Most people I know are *resigned* to the fact that children do things like masturbate, have sexual fantasies and desires, and have sexual experiences with a partner or partners. But see, even they, most of the time, are resigned to that fact. This is something that happens, though it isn't the *ideal.*  This is why even comprehensive programs of sex ed stress abstinence, because "childhood" abstinence is held up as the ideal.

Even so, I'm now starting to think I lived in the golden age of sex education in USian public school, given the reports coming out of the high schools in my area NOW as compared to when I went to school (a whopping 9 years ago)... And even in my classes, sex was presented as something we should probably avoid, but if we didn't, here, we'll help protect you from the dangers. And of course, dangers they actively protected us (white, suburban, middle class, Californian us, for the most part) from were: pregnancy and STD's.

This approach is what made me want to write my own damn curriculum. Because (among other things) do you know, we never discussed consent?  Weird, huh?

(Again...a whole other post...)

(And did we ever consider or include non cis, non hetero classmates? Um, no.)

But see, we never discussed consent because one of the foundational ideas of the courses was that "well, we're not going to teach kids HOW to have sex!"

(Oh gods how many times I've heard that phrase.)

And therein lies the origin of my problem.

This idea that sex is something that only adults do means that we are consistently resistant to anything that smacks of "teaching our kids HOW to have sex".

What does that mean to the lives of all those who are under 18?

And hell, even 18 and older, because after 18 years of being taught "this is something we don't talk about" we don't suddenly become comfortable talking about it; let's be real on that point.

So what happens is we end up in a situation where, most people, come to this place where we WANT to have sex and we have no idea how to even begin to go about it.  How do we talk to someone about this thing we're not supposed to talk about?  Maybe it's easier just NOT to talk about it, eh?  We can like, just go for it, right?  If they don't want to be kissed or touched they'll slap us or say no, right?  (That's how it goes in the movies.)

Surely you see where this all leads right?

Which is why we have to, HAVE TO, tell kids HOW to have sex, and stop thinking that sex isn't something non-adults are curious about, thinking about, desiring, and, doing.

Because healthy sexual relationships (at whatever age, in whatever form) aren't built in silence.

Because we need a healthy foundation to make good decisions for ourselves.

And because, ironically, if you aren't teaching kids how to communicate honestly, you're also actively working against their ability to articulate boundaries, to "just say no" which is what so many of you want, right?

More stuff that I think I should have already posted about but haven't: Fat Hate

More in this impromptu series...
[For previous editions see: More stuff that I think I should have already posted about but haven't: Racism and Stuff I think about differently now; children, feminism and more]

Did you know that I'm (generally speaking) down with fat acceptance?

To me, this seems like an especially obvious thing, but, given posts I've read, especially recently, I guess it's not as widely held as I thought!

What often goes against fat acceptance, in both feminist and non-feminist conversations, is that "fat" is inherently unhealthy.  And of course, health is important and it's something we should be talking about, right? Well, if you haven't heard this before now I am just going to say, that premise is bullshit.  (Not about "health" being important, that IS important...but more on that later...)

I have a precisely healthy BMI (right in the middle) and am by most people’s definitions “thin,” if definitely not “skinny,” and after three flights of stairs I’m breathing pretty damn heavy.

That's not really that healthy for a TAB (temporarily able bodied) person!

Which is the whole problem with equating weight ("fat") with health: because it’s quite simply NOT AN EFFECTIVE MEASUREMENT TO GENERALIZE FROM.

Quite simply, our bodies are unique and an unhealthy amount of weight on one body is not going to be an unhealthy amount of weight on another body.

If we really want to talk about health, weight shouldn’t even come into it.

Honestly.

Because if a person has healthy habits, and their body is carrying weight it considers “extra,” that it doesn't need, that weight will go away. If that person with healthy habits’ weight DOESN’T go away then their body thinks it needs it, so let’s assume that’s correct!  Instead of assuming we know better...than that person's own body...what they person should look like and what they need to be healthy.  Fat, for some people, is a by product of unhealthy habits.  But as with so much Western thought, we attack that by-product instead of looking to the ROOT of the issue.

The far more important question when discussing health, imo, is: do we as individuals and as a population have access to healthy habits?

Cuz what I see is that MOST of us don’t. Really don’t. We’re too goddamned tired to put in the WORK (and it is work) to make 3 healthy meals a day. We’ve not got any time (or money) to spare to "just take a walk" or go to the gym.  And we’re too goddamned poor to go to the co-op or the locavore restaurant instead of McDonald’s.  Or there are literally NO grocery stores in our neighborhood to even TRY to get healthy food.  (Just for a start... I'm sure I could come up with many more examples).

These are STRUCTURAL issues working against our health, and aren't structural issues what we as social justice people are supposed to be concerned with? Wouldn't that be a more effective strategy in the pursuit of healthier communities?  Instead of just class and/or fat shaming individuals for “letting themselves go” or whatever?

So yeah, let's get on with talking about health but let's leave the fat hate at the door, folks.

Chronicles of New Bath Stuff Part 2

So since last updated I have received everything I ordered!  Still on it's way is something I WON off of Facebook, no joke (I saw a friend sign up for this giveaway so I decided to as well and won, how rare! it's for rather expensive facial serum and eye cream which I added a body butter to).

Everything has been going just fine with the exception of today when I woke up I had some flakiness along the front of my hair.  This is where 1) that white clay soap met my hair line a bit and 2) where I directly poured the vinegar rinse last time.  I think one or both of these is to blame, but looking up the info about vinegar rinse, it's supposed to HELP flakiness, though it's possible I'm over using it?  I think more likely is the white clay soap, because my forehead seemed really dry too.  Along my cheeks and throat the soap seems great but I think my forehead gets more dry than anything else so I should keep it away from there.

Anyway, in an effort to see if I can get rid of the flakes I washed my hair again today and then will leave it alone for three days I think.  Today I didn't use any of my bars or shampoos either, but opted for something I discovered in my research: baking soda as shampoo.  I made a paste of it and worked it into my hair, giving myself a good scalp massage.  (If the flakes are from the buildup of the Pantene I used to use coming up or something, this should help a lot.)  Then I rinsed thoroughly and put in my good hair mask which I got while still working at BBW (Bath and Body Works) and use every once in a while, rinsed thoroughly again and put in the vinegar rinse (this time with rosemary and thyme essential oil and I didn't put it on slowly but poured the whole thing in my hair in one go and on a different spot than before, further back on my head).  Hair's still quite damp now but on first glance it looks pretty good, with still a tiny bit of irritation at the front-most part of my hair line but seemingly less than before.

In other news, the husband really loves his shampoo bar, which he thinks has been helping HIS flaky scalp, which is much worse than mine.  And I'm undecided on the liquid shampoo and conditioner we got but the body wash is -wonderful-.  It makes me wonder if I should use his shampoo bar instead, but I don't think that's what's causing the flakes...  More time is necessary to decide.

On the body front this lotion bar I got is magic.  I have super dry skin that's hard to make smooth (always lots of little bumps), especially my arms, but this stuff does it and it's way less greasy than say, the 100% shea butter I used to sometimes use.  Also all the soaps I got I more or less really like (skin's favorite is this one), they all smell really nice and don't dry out my skin much.  The husband really likes them too, especially the orange/cinnamon/clove one (the third one we got is this one which is maybe a little better than the orange/clove one in how much my skin likes it, and smells great so all well worth using).  He has also tried to steal the new lip balm more than once, which I can understand cuz it's really good.

The herbal salve I got (see last post) is officially amazing.  I'm using it on the blister my three mile walk last week gave me, as well as on I guess what are two corns that were on one of my big toes and it's helping both a LOT.  Been using the eczema salve on a rough patch of skin by one of my ankles; ALSO helpful.  So, just overall I've been pretty impressed with everything we got.  So if anyone stays over, you have good stuff to try in our shower, lol!

Part 3 will be able the face stuff and whipped body butter that hasn't come yet as well as a hair update.

Chronicles of New Bath Stuff Part 1

So... In honor of my just past birthday (and the fact that our shampoo and soap bottles were about to start farting...) I got a bunch of new bath stuff off of Etsy!  And this has been something that has taken up quite a bit of my time lately, switching entirely (not for the first time, but hopefully the last time) to natural (aka not synthetic) body care products.  This is part of the same process that has been going on for at least 8 years, such as stopping shaving, learning how to use herbs instead of OTC or prescriptions, etc (better for me and better for the environment, win/win)...

And I plan to chronicle my thoughts about these in pursuit of having a good idea of how I like these!  And I share them here because I think perhaps maybe this will be useful or it will create a discussion with others for whom this is a shared interest.

So, anyway I wrote what follows when I got the first packages...  One is from a seller who does botanical salves and stuff for lots of different medicinal needs, and the other from a lady who does soaps, perfumes and shampoo bars, etc.  She also does a "for everything" herbal salve (burns, scrapes, cuts, stings, rashes, etc.) and I had to get rid of the other one I had because the oils in the one I had went rancid, so I'm trying hers instead!  Atm I have it on the remnants of a burn I got splashing boiling water/oil onto my stomach! (don't ask)

Anyway, ok, so I just took a shower and tried one of the shampoo bars I got from her, the beer and egg bar.  It's, a little weird!  Rinsing my hair out, I felt like there was a lot of STUFF left behind.  Like, have you ever used straight up shea butter?  You know that coating it leaves on your hands while it soaks in?  Like that, it felt exactly like that.  Which, she has shea butter in the bar (I think) so you know that might make sense (double checked, no, no shea in this bar, but there is cocoa and mango butters so that's probably it).  But still, it was a little weird and will take getting used to.  Thankfully she did warn that it would be different from using other shampoos so I wasn't freaking out.

Among other things she also advises using a vinegar rinse every 3 or 4 times you shampoo (I'm guessing these have more buildup than other shampoos?) to keep your hair healthy.  She gave instructions on how that works too but I did a bit of Googling for myself and ended up with an apple cider vinegar rinse with warm water and two drops of rosemary essential oil and one of patchouli essential oil.  Rosemary is apparently good for dark hair and patchouli is good for dandruff and dry scalp (also they both smell good).  Read the link if you want to know why vinegar is good for your hair, but apparently it really is and I should have been doing this already!

I also tried one of her body soaps and one of her face soaps (samples she gave me) the face soap I really like, it was a white clay soap (but I didn't FEEL any clay bits) and my face feels really soft now.  The body soap was ok, I wasn't super crazy about the smell and it did that thing so many bar soaps do where it left my skin "squeaky" which I find weird.  However, the lather did feel really creamy and my skin didn't feel dry when I got out of the shower so that's good.

We'll see what I think of this shampoo when my hair dries (oh and you will notice no conditioner needed, apparently this is also a benefit of a vinegar rinse and this kind of shampoo; interesting).

In other news, I bought an herb plant at Trader Joe's!  It was a little pot with oregano, sage and spearmint in it, which our neighbor helped me transfer into a bigger pot, which the plants all seemed like quite a bit.  And I've had them about two weeks and they're not dead yet!  It's like magic!

*LATER THAT DAY*

When my hair came out of the towel, still damp as it always is cuz I have a ton of it, it was easy to comb through and easily put up or, as I decided to go with it, in two braids.  It does feel soft and it does look shiny, let's see if this keeps up!

Oh also my hair smells faintly of rosemary (and fainter still of patchouli) and at no time smelled like vinegar, so, that's a win.

Medical Sexual Assault of Children at Cornell

There are major, major, trigger warnings on this story in general and the articles posted specifically. But the word needs to spread about what is happening at Cornell.

Bad Vibrations | Bioethics Forum

For over a decade, many people (including us) have criticized this surgical practice. Critics in medicine, bioethics, and patient advocacy have questioned the surgery’s necessity, safety, and efficacy. We still know of no evidence that a large clitoris increases psychological risk (so is the surgery even necessary?), and we do know of substantial anecdotal evidence that it does not increase risk. Importantly, there also seems to be evidence that clitoroplasties performed in infancy do increase risk – of harm to physical and sexual functioning, as well as psychosocial harm.

But we are not writing today to again bring attention to the surgeries themselves. Rather, we are writing to express our shock and concern over the follow-up examination techniques described in the 2007 article by Yang, Felsen, and Poppas. Indeed, when a colleague first alerted us to these follow-up exams – which involve Poppas stimulating the girls’ clitorises with vibrators while the girls, aged six and older, are conscious – we were so stunned that we did not believe it until we looked up his publications ourselves.

Can You Hear Us Now? | Psychology Today

Finally, do we really think this is like what happened in the Tuskegee Syphilis Study? Yup. A population gets marked as being not normal sexually, and then ends up as research fodder with sub-standard ethics oversight, without anyone even telling them they're research fodder. The docs publish years of follow-up studies in medical journals, and their colleagues, including the medical journal editors, don't stop and say, "Wait, what now? What are you doing?" And the only way these girls are going to get protected is if the press finally gets involved.

We Need to Talk About IGM... | bird of paradox

Consider: the report states that the subjects had enlarged clitorises, and that this anatomical variation “is often a prominent manifestation of virilizing congenital adrenal hyperplasia and other disorders of sexual development”.

Congenital adrenal hyperplasia(CAH) is an endocrine disorder in which the adrenal glands produce abnormally high levels of virilising hormones and as such is already known to the medical profession as an intersex variation – or “disorder of sexual development, the preferred pathologising and stigmatising term which, although preferred by the medical profession, is objected to by some intersex activists.

It seems increasingly likely to me that, not only are we talking about a research project on intersex children, but also that that fact is being suppressed in Dreger and Feder’s article

Michigan Wants to Make a Doctor's Note Mandatory for Acupuncture

bfp brought this to my attention:

I found out from my acupuncturist that the state of Michigan is considering requiring it’s citizens to get a doctor’s referral to go to an acupuncturists. So, in other words, rather than hearing from a friend that she went to acupuncture and that person deciding to give it a try too–Michigan wants to make it so that you have to go to a doctor first, and then, if the doctor is willing to actually give you the referral, you can go to the acupuncturist.

Many people who know about the history of midwives in the U.S. know why this is such an extraordinarily bad idea. But for those who don’t know that history–what this particular requirement would do is first and foremost, place an incredibly unfair burden on those people who don’t have health insurance. Those who are unable to afford a doctor would simply have yet another health alternative option removed from their already limited health arsenal.

As some of you know, I'm a big fan of the working class (or community) acupuncture model.  My husband was able to take advantage of it for about six weeks while we were living in Oakland, and though we have had to eliminate all such expenditures since our move, we plan to go back to weekly appointments at our local shop when we can.

And let me make this very clear: that was the first regular health care of any kind that my husband had gotten for well over a decade.  If we had needed to get a doctor's note first, he never would have been able to do it at all (and that's assuming the first doctor we went to would even refer us at all, because you know how some Western Medicine practitioners respond to "alternative" medicine).

If this goes through in Michigan, it will only be a matter of time before it gets picked up somewhere else, because you know how states like to feed off of these issues of "public health" that demonize the poor.  So please, if you support this health model and its goals, don't just sit back and be glad it's not your state considering making it inaccessible to the very people it was created to help, at least sign this petition and let them know why what they're doing is such a very bad idea.

For more info, please follow the link to bfp's post!!!

This sounds incredible

Celebrate with CASA – The Launching of ACHÉ!
The First Alternative Womyn’s Health & Wellness Cooperative in the South Bronx

Casa is launching the first Womyn’s Alternative Health and Wellness Cooperative – ACHÉ (Alternative Cooperative for Healing & Empowerment) for young and adult womyn this Fall. Inspired by the womyn in the Zapatista community and their organizing & movement building for autonomy, we are creating our model for sustainable and accessible healthcare for community, activist & organizers. The cooperative will support the health and wellness needs of womyn while being a respite to integrate self care into their daily practice and heal from internalized oppression.

ACHE will have spirituality, culture & human rights at the core of its sustainability. We use earth based spirituality to create sacred space to align ourselves with the healing elements of the season for the healing of our mind, body and spirit. Join our monthly healing circles(a monthly healing women’s group to break the silence of issues affecting community women including trauma of DV, violence, sexual assault, self mutilation, low self esteem, disordered eating etc.)We also offer complementary workshops such as: yoga, reiki, alternative fitness, afro-Caribbean rhythms, healing remedies, acupressure, meditation, and more.

JOIN OUR HEALERS NETWORK TODAY!

We are looking for health practitioners, curanderas, folk healers, midwives, organizers, artist, etc. to join our Womyn of Color Healers Network, which will regularly provide free or low cost health care and wellness classes and trainings that include self gyn examinations, childbirth, STD/HIV prevention and alternative care, herbal medicine, nutrition, healthy meal preparation, holistic therapies, natural medicine treatment of weak immune systems, and trauma.

h/t Vivir Latino

Fat-phobic Progressivism

Ban T-Shirts

When I see a shirt with the EZLN star on it, naturally I have to go check this store out, cuz I've always wanted one, and looking through all the shirts I more or less was liking what I was seeing.

Then I saw this:

Really? Yeah let's fat shame people, that's super progressive!

Maker of this shirt, please ask yourself: How does re-iterating a sexist, classist and racist beauty norm challenge the system the rest of these shirts are speaking against? I hate fast food as much as the next bleeding heart SLOW food liberal, not because they're "making people fat" but because they're loading their products up with ingredients that are fucking up our planet and fucking up our bodies. But un-health and "fat" don't necessarily go together!

Just like the "ironic racism" that seems to be so popular these days, the totally accepted and often cheered on fat-hate I so often find amongst hipster fauxgressives makes me just a tad nauseous. And clearly that's what's going on here, they're real careful to have that in fashion "alternative" type look (ohhhh tattoos!) and models of color, but, oh, all conventionally slim and pretty and able-bodied. HOW DARING.

At Feminist Review (where the EZLN shirt was reviewed and where this odyssey began) Mandy pointed out that the image is also incredibly ironic being as the model they chose is a woman of color, in a country where poor communities of color are known to have lower access to healthy food and higher rates of obesity and diabetes.

Was the shirt a rather fucked up dig at the food industry for putting their worst shit in the neighborhoods of low income people of color? A dig at people of color for their eating habits? Or a totally unconscious but really problematic aesthetic choice?

Whatever the thought process, we are left with an image loaded with messages, messages I don't particularly like.

Too bad too... Still like the EZLN shirt.

Whole Foods Is Against Health-Care Reform

John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, a supermarket chain beloved by liberals and progressives across the nation because of the organic and natural products it sells, opposes health-care reform. Mackey wrote a scathing opinion piece published in the Wall Street Journal, attacking the Democratic health-care reform proposal. But Mackey's piece should come as no real surprise. He's a Texas libertarian/conservative who is anti-union while paying his employees less than other supermarket chains, and who seems to get his jollies by making huge profits from selling overpriced organic products to gullible liberals

via East Bay Express

Healthcare - Just STOP

I’m a little tired of all this garbage about a friend of a friend of a nephew of an aunt of a monkey’s uncle told some Republican senator from Kentucky about how his brother’s niece died in Canada because they were denied treatment due to rationed care. How many people die in this country every single year from being denied cancer treatment or AIDS medication or heart surgery or whatever else because their insurance company decided they had exceeded their coverage limit, or had a pre-existing condition, or weren’t covered under the particular plan, or simply weren’t covered at all? Quit pretending there is nothing wrong with current system. Quit trying to frighten people by relating anecdotal stories for which you have little to no proof while ignoring similar anecdotal stories occurring under the very system you are trying to defend. Please. PLEASE. Give us something more than the worn-out politics of fear and loathing.

wish i was taller (via needtherapy) (via apsies) (via ohfortheloveofdog) (via thecurvature)

Update on NOWHC

It's worse than we thought and not in the way we thought either.

Someone from the clinic got back to Queen Emily personally and allowed her to post the response. And it turns out, no one is getting medical care from the clinic.

We agree that the questions and concerns you raise are very important. The priorities we hold in providing safe, accessible, and unbiased care to women regardless of their race, income, sexuality, gender identity, body type, citizenship status, work sector, legal history, ability, age, language, and family size and status are often regarded as a “risk” and “liability” by many medical professionals. This reality has delayed our efforts to hire a new Medical Director and created many barriers for many members of our community, including you, in seeking safe, quality, and respectful services.

In making the statements “we are currently not able to provide care to trans people who were male assigned at birth or who have had genital sex reassignment surgery. Please call for referrals,” we were referencing the lack of experience and training that our former medical staff had in providing trans affirmative care to all women regardless of their body types, and gender identities and expressions. We recognize that the current language on our website marginalizes trans women in particular, even though it says elsewhere that we provide services to “all women.” Although “services” provided at the Clinic are not restricted to our medical programs, we recognize that the way it is written implies that we offer no services at all to trans women, which is marginalizing and confusing. It would be more accurate to say that our goal is to provide medical services to all women, though we are having a difficult time reaching it.

Thankfully, this means Incite! and the NOWHC are in fact the people we thought they were, and are working towards meeting the needs of the women in their communities. Sadly, what we've unearthed are a number of pieces to the puzzle of just how hard it is to do that. That care for trans women is seen as a liability to many. That the clinic is still not getting the support it needs to achieve it's absolutely vital mission.

Better and yet so much worse than I was hoping for.

As for the shit that was thrown about over this in the blogosphere, there's not a lot I feel ok saying much about. Being an ally and not actually sharing in an identity from which people were speaking (trans woman, twoc or woc), I don't really think it's my place to say "you're doing it right/wrong". But I do want to say this, that is that I see some serious creative energy being channeled towards a new project coming directly out of this. That, at least, I feel very confident saying is a really good thing. The rest of it, I really hope to see learning and growth come out of as well. I have nothing but love and respect for everyone involved, all doing their best to deal with a life and death issue for people they care about and/or are allied with or one of.

I will keep you updated on the situation for the NOWHC as it develops. It appears, from their response at Questioning Transphobia, that they are re-evaluating their goals and how they plan to work in the community. If I come across any way for us to help in that, I will absolutely let you all know.

Update on NOWHC and Trans Women

@ Questioning Transphobia

Just wanted to let y’all to know that New Orleans Women’s Health Clinic have gotten back to me. I’m not sure what I can really make public right now (an email is not a press release yeah?), but we are talking.

And on a completely related note, voz is working on a media project.

Incite!, New Orleans Womens Health Clinic and the Exclusion of Trans-Women

Well this isn't a post I ever thought I'd write... And I'll be honest, I'm hesitant to even write it. I feel like I'm on the wrong side of the fence, of ALL the fences, for this discussion. But an ally has to put her money where her mouth is when asked to, right? Right.

So. There's a bunch of shit going on right now. Many of you have probably heard about it already. Certainly if you're on my Twitter feed you have. But for those who haven't, a bit of background: the New Orleans Womens Health Clinic came into being in the wake of hurricane Katrina (and I asked for donations for them here, as well as donated myself, as hurricane Gustav looked to make a repeat of that disaster).

In their mission statement it says: "NOWHC provides sexual and reproductive health services to all women regardless of their race, ethnicity, sexual preference, gender identity and expression, ability, faith, income level, citizenship status, work sector, or age – in a caring, respectful, and confidential environment."

Sounds, like, perfect, right?

But then: "We are currently not able to provide care to trans people who were male assigned at birth or who have had genital sex reassignment surgery. Please call for referrals."

This discrepancy was brought to light by Queen Emily, a trans woman of color who lives in New Orleans and was looking for health services.

Naturally, there was an outcry. An outcry which has taken several forms. The first reaction of some has been to want to defend Incite! and NOWHC, others have called for accountability via AMC which is happening very soon, and others have asked for those with connections to Incite! to help them get a meeting with those organizers. I strongly support those last two proposals, and I also want to stress that this is a discussion that really needs to center trans women of color. Because a lot of the conversations I have been reading, honestly? just haven't done that. This is also part of the reason I was hesitant to post, I'm not sure if another cis (especially white and cis) woman's voice is what this discussion needs, but voz_latina asked me to help spread the word about her proposal and so...here I am.

And, because as bfp reminded me on Twitter, there are serious and real life *consequences* for NO trans and cis women of color because of what actually happens at NOWHC from here on out. And yes, there really, really, are. And I think both the AMC proposal as well at the NY meeting proposal actually propel us forward, so that the NOWHC and Incite! understand that despite best intentions they are being exclusionary, and that exclusion could cost twoc their lives. That part really can't be forgotten in all the rest of the stuff that has been brought up around this issue.