Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I struggle still with liking Spike.
And when I say liking, I mean I have had sex dreams about him. And as a rule I generally have incredibly nonsensical, random, abstract dreams. For me to have anything remotely coherent is rare enough. To have an actual sex dream, where I GET to the sex or some sort of sexual activity, has only happened a couple times that I can remember.
And at least twice were dreams about Spike.
At least I'm not alone in this. He seems to be well loved amongst us women folk. And James Marsters himself seems an awesome guy.
God damn there are things I hate about him.
If I watch Buffy again, all the seasons he is in, from start to finish, in another year? I don't know if I will like him still. I just don't know. And that makes me really sad. Afraid to go back and watch again. Because fantasies are fun, and he makes for an excellent one.
What is it about playing with fire?
Because you know, that's what he is. Pure, destructive, amoral, predator. An elemental force.
What is it about craving that? About wanting a piece of it? Desiring to control it? Or to know you can't possibly control it but deluding yourself that you could? The fantasy that you have subdued him, tamed him, for the moment?
Or is it that you know you have no control, he is what he is and is only subdued because he chooses to be?
Is that what we really like? The fantasy that such a creature, such a man, could choose to subdue himself for us? Before our own power? Or do we simply want to be consumed by that force?
There is definitely some complex psychological stuff going on underneath attractions and fantasies...