Saturday, December 22, 2007

Help from readers?

Hey all,

I know there are a few of you. And if you don't mind, I'd like to enlist your help.

I want to put forth a submission for Yes Means Yes, on the topic: * How good sex (where women’s pleasure is central) can mean an end to rape culture, and how a society that values genuine female sexual pleasure will make it easier to identify and prosecute rapists.

Now, I intuitively understand how this would work. It's similar to why I think recognition of the Divine Feminine would lead to more respect for women in society. But I think I need to bounce some thoughts off of people to get my creative juices really flowing (too much damn time spent on debate boards...). So if you don't mind, give me something to bounce off of.

Initial thoughts:
Good sex is pleasurable for all involved. It is non-judgmental, genuine and open. You are not critical of yourself or others during good sex, because your thoughts are consumed by the experience.

Genuine sex includes enthusiastic consent. There is no possibility of misunderstanding. No pressuring, no convincing, and no taking advantage of someone through intoxication. Actually valuing a woman's pleasure would end all of these all to common tactics because they interfere with that pleasure.

For the woman, society placing value on her pleasure as a sexual being means she has no reason not to give enthusiastic consent. No social moors telling her "good girls don't do THAT" would prevent much of the guilt and insecurities experienced when trying to embrace her authentic sexual identity and desires.


  1. well, i love the first point. yay for good sex - that sounds good all around.

    the part that i'm unsure of is mostly the second. first off, it all sounds good. but then i think these things (like enthusiatic consent) get confusing in real life - even from the perspective of the woman who is focused on her own pleasure. because, for one, one's thoughts/feelings can easily conflict. but the thing that really throws me off is the question of how kinky sex (like, most obviously, power play) plays into this issue.

    obviously, consent is important! but how much consent is too much? that is, if what gives the woman pleasure is the power play, how do you balance that? so far my own experience simply says that you have to know the other person well enough to know that they can tell the difference in "no" and "no(but really yes)". which is, of course, a terrible thing to say. because that functions as such an excuse. and, for the sake of what you are doing, because it doesn't provide an answer at all.

  2. Ah yes... good thoughts.

    I think, for me, the important part with power play is that the enthusiastic consent needs to come before the play session.

    As you say, when you're dealing with a kink situation, "No" might come up a lot and not REALLY mean "no." But isn't that the function of a safeword instead?

    And for those who choose not to use safewords, still central to kink is the knowledge that it is entered into freely, is it not?

  3. yes! that is, now that you mention it, exactly the purpose of a safeword. (it hadn't occurred to me because i've never had one. a factor of, i think, the long term relationship with a very high trust and understanding level which i kind of mentioned before.) but i'm glad you clarified that, because that concern has bothered me a bit.

    absolutely - i think that the choice not to use a safeword is a pretty major statement of consent.

  4. i gently suggest swinging by theriomorph's joint. she has a really great few posts about this.


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