Where to even begin.
I think I learned some things about myself by going to that sex party.
Probably most importantly, is just how important a chemistry connection to someone is before I can even consider playing with them. If my brain is not engaged I am just not there.
But I also feel a bit lost.
Did I have fun? Yes and no.
The entertainment was fun. The conversations were fun. At one point we were in the play room and there was a couple having sex and a very soft light was falling on them just right, the woman was on top and it was just a picture perfect moment, she looked beautiful.
But watching other people have sex doesn't turn me on.
It sure turns hubby on though.
For me, it was an emotional repeat of our trip to The Lusty Lady (another thing I can't believe I didn't write about). The show is entertaining, the woman incredibly attractive, but am I turned on? Nope. Not at all.
Hubby sure was though. He kept trying to make out with me and I kept batting him away like, dude she's doing a work out for us, we should have enough respect to watch!
And then, the girls asked me to flash them (still at the LL here) and I was like, ok, sure why not? No emotional response either. Maybe a little bit of discomfort...remember, I'm the girl who would rather change in the bathroom than be seen naked at the pool/gym/whatever. But mostly?
Dead inside.
When we were playing together in the almost dark amongst other couples doing the same, yes what he was doing felt good, I'm pretty sure I even had an orgasm, but I also felt so detached. It disturbed me. When we were done I just wanted to leave, I felt odd, cold, removed, vulnerable?
It was the sort of situation that should have been erotic?
Shouldn't it?
And just to throw in a really cliched response...Is there something wrong with me?
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The last time I can remember feeling really, really, horny was during the Spike obsession of 2007.
Do I need objectification for lust?
This is the question that just keeps coming up in my mind.
Before my husband was a whole person to me he made me hornier than anyone else ever had. There is a lot, LOT, that happened to get us from there to here. But looking back it seems like, and not just with him, the more I love someone, the more comfortable I get with them, the more I see them as whole, the less they turn me on. And that doesn't mean the less I enjoy having sex with them, although that becomes less important too. Husband and I actually have a really fulfilling sex life by and large.
But that HORNY feeling that I see Essin' Em and Thursday's Child talk about, I only get that way for the idea of a person, for a fantasy of a person, for the perfect imaginary.
Those are the bodies that are just plain inherently sexual to me. A whole person? Their body is beautiful, magnificent, powerful, and sexuality is there, but it's not the same.
Is this remotely understandable, much less normal? Do I really give a shit if it's normal or not? ha!
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Did feminism, because of my efforts to see people as whole people, ruin my sex life? ha!
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I am not the person I want to be. In more ways than this, of course, but...
I want to be the active participant.
I want to be horny.
I want to sometimes just spontaneously feel like fucking out of the blue.
To demand my husband come to bed right now.
And I'm not.
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This isn't even getting into the troubling thought that one of the reasons my husband manages to be horny all the time is possibly because he objectifies me and thus doesn't see me as a whole person, and how much that would trouble me. I have a hard time seeing Essin' Em looking at people that way, and yet she manages to have a much higher sex drive than me.
****
I don't know what to do with this new information about myself. I know it's important. I can feel that inside me. The tears I've shed while writing attest to it. But I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do about it.
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Is this what some people are talking about when they say the "passion" is gone? The "spark"?
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I like the way I have managed to decolonize my mind, I like that I've undone workings of a kyriarchal culture I can't stand. But I guess now that I have I don't know how to build another sexuality out of it.
Don't worry though, hubby and I are in dialogue about this. Though in writing I think I've touched on some new stuff I'll have to bring up. One thing I haven't written much about but which we talked about is that we have to get off our computers more. Despite being in the same room and chatting from time to time back and forth, I don't think that's very intimate, which I definitely think is a related issue.
****
So, will we go back? I'm thinking yes. We did meet some interesting people, some I'd like to get to know better. Will we play again? I just don't know. How does this effect hubby's fantasy of watching me with another guy? I don't know. Wives can't be absolutely everything to their husbands, and part of me just wants to say "shit, find yourself a girlfriend to go to these things with" but that's a cop-out so I don't have to process this stuff and it wouldn't really work anyway, being left out would make me feel like shit.
So... the journey continues... (sorry this probably wasn't as stimulating as you might have hoped for).
