It's only a matter of time

So, things went really really well today. We had a ceremony at my grandma's house. To say goodbye, tie up loose ends, give her soul strengthening energy, help her and be with her as she prepares to move on. At times it was like any other family gathering party, and we all had a really good time together. Of course I also cried more today than I have...in a long time.

And now we're honestly just waiting, it's all a matter of time. My dad, uncle and aunt and their significant others are taking shifts spending time, but she's only alone when she wants to be (which is rarely).

I've been trying not to second guess myself. We each took some time to talk to her alone before the ceremony. She and I talked about life, mistakes, figuring shit out, picking life partners and how cool it is that it seems like everyone of her kids have finally found someone who complements them (it honestly is rather...ironic? fortuitous? just good timing? but it happened for them all in a very short amount of time, like in the last year and a half). I had a hard time looking her in the eye the whole time. But I'm like that a lot. It makes me feel too vulnerable or something. But I tried to make a point to do that this time, even though it made me want to cry more which I really didn't want to do right then...I didn't want to make that time about me.

And I told her I would miss her (and I loved her, of course). I am second guessing myself there. I didn't know if that was really the right thing to say. But it's the most dominant feeling I have. I'm not scared for her to go on, she's satisfied with how things have gone for her so I am too... But I will fucking miss her. I know she'll still be around from time to time checking in or watching over or what have you, but... That's not the same. :P Anyway it was interesting because she responded that we had had some hard times, and I was kind of like, really? When? I guess when I was a kid... I was sort of anti-social and had a difficult time with relating to people and being intimidated by adults and...you know, I just had a hard time opening up. The truth is I always really loved being around her... But it just hit home that I thought I had more time, and would get to know her better as I got older, as a natural progression, like has happened with my parents.

What really keeps weighing on my mind is this is one of those things you don't get to do over. We get one shot at doing this right. And if I let myself have regrets, thinking I could have done more...I have to live with that forever. So, I made sure to reiterate to my dad and step mom and aunt that if they needed anything at all to please call me and that I want to be involved as much as they want/need me to be. I think my dad knew where I was coming from because he said "You know, you've done all you can here for now" when I was debating whether to go home yet or not.

During the ceremony, I was trying to ground and stretch my energy out to her. I cast a super basic protective energy spell over her, and sort of projected my own energy to stay behind with her, to help her along if I couldn't be there in person when it's time for her to leave. While I was calling to Brigid (to strength and support me), Cerridwen (for her) and Gaia (for her) I had a vision of arms of green grassy earth coming up from below her to wrap her up gently and absorb her into the ground. It's the sort of vision I often find frightening in movies and such, but it didn't feel threatening at all this time. Simply the last embrace of the Mother. It's intimidating for me, but I think I want to be there when she dies...I want to go with her as far as I can go, and even though I have little practice in it, I feel like I need to try, because it's all I have any idea how to do to help her.

One thing on that note that I found somewhat comforting... During the ceremony I kept staring at the foot of her bed, sort of mesmerized by the patterns of the blanket that was there, even when I was projecting the protective energy at her. Later I heard people talking and apparently at some point during that she had commented that she had seen a spiral there at the foot of the bed. Also, it seems that my dad's dad (who passed when he was very young, car accident or something I think) has been hanging around. She's gotten a sense of him being there (maybe seen him?). I find that very comforting, that someone is so anxious to see her and wants to help her across, that they're hanging around evidently already.